On running

I've decided to put the running on hold for now.  

I'm not giving up.  I'm just going to step back a little  and see where I'm at in a couple of months. 

I tried it for four months. I really did try.  I only got to week seven of the nine week couch to fivek program though because I injured myself a couple of times and I repeated several weeks over because I didn't feel I was ready to move on to the next week. 

The truth is I didn't like it.  At all. I found myself dreading the days when I would have to do it. I always felt better afterwards(who doesn't feel good after exercising?  I always do).  

But during it was torture.  Joe and I were talking about it and he asked me why I continued to do it if I disliked it so much. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.  I was hoping it would grow on me. 

But it didn't. No matter how hard I tried it just didn't feel right for me.  

I was so determined to prove to myself that i could run that I forgot how much I used to love to walk.

 I love walking!  I can actually walk at a faster pace than I can run.  Weird, I know.  Today we went walking.  I walked for an hour. My heart rate was still raised.  I was still sweating.  I still felt a little sore afterwards. 

The only thing that was different from the running was that I didn't hate it.    On the contrary, I actually enjoyed it. 

I did a combination of walking/jogging but I did my own intervals. In the hour that we walked I did eight sets of running for a minute to a minute and a half.  Sometimes there was three minutes between a set. Sometimes five  or even seven.  I just listened to my body and did what I could do.  

It was so much easier than trying to keep up with the couch to five k  program. And we have lovely walking trails. They are dirt trails and I find it so much easier to walk on dirt than cement.  They also have hills in them which adds another dimension to the workout too.

I love it.   If I want I can still participate in five k or even ten k's.  I can walk them.  There is no right or wrong way to get into shape.  I need to stop comparing myself to other people and set my own goals. I don't know why that is so hard for me to do.   

I plan to continue with the walking  three to four days a week.   I might supplement with some arm exercises and boxing on  the Wii Fit which I also enjoy.   

Dragon boat practice started up again last weekend so that will be one day of really great exercise too. 

Last weekend we practiced both days and did some training for the full hour each day. Such a great workout!

I loved every minute of it, but Holy sore muscles batman!  Ouch.   I only just started feeling better today, three days later. 

It feels good to push your body though.  I'm looking forward to getting in better shape this summer.  

Maybe I'll return to the running in the fall.  We'll see.  

Free

Here is a post I thought I would never share.

I'm not even sure at this point that I'll hit publish on this one. 

Three years ago this weekend I was in the worst place mentally that I have been in my entire life.

Three years  ago I spent  Mother's Day in the hospital due to a depression so bad it had consumed me.

I have had people ask me how I got to that breaking point, what caused it?

It was a lot of things.

I was juggling a lot of balls in the air.  I was working two jobs because Joe's unemployment had unexpectedly stopped paying(for no apparent reason. After six months they started paying again with just an "oops!  Sorry about that!"). Don't even get me started on how they hold people's lives hostage with their ineptitude.  

I was in an abusive work environment(have you ever been called a lazy piece of shit by your boss?  I have.)

We were in dire straits finacially.

Our adoption was unravelling.

Everything in my life seemed like it was falling apart.

On the outside I was trying to maintain an outward impression of "I'm fine.  Nothing to see here".

But on the inside I felt like I was dying. Every waking minute I wasn't at work I was lying in bed. Sleeping.  Crying. Lots of crying.  But mostly sleeping and wondering where I would find the strength to get out of bed the  next day and do the whole charade again. 

I'm not sure why I am sharing this here, except that I have felt  ashamed of it for years and terrified of what would happen if people found out.  

I realize now it's nothing  to be ashamed of.  

I have an illness and I needed medical attention and I sought it.  

That's it.  End of story.  

If you feel differently about it then keep it to yourself because for the first time in my life

I.    Don't.   Care.  

I'm done being ashamed.  

I don't even know that person now, and I hope to never again. The right meds.   A wonderful support system.  A (fabulous) new job.   Slowly, slowly I started to come out of it.  To see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But when I was in it all I saw was darkness.  All I felt was hopelessness.

I struggle to find words to convey how awful it was.

Do I still struggle with depression?  Yes.  Do I still have bad days(or even weeks?)  Yes. I always will. That's the nature of depression.  

But I have far more good days than bad days these days.  This is the best I have felt in a very long time and I intend to enjoy it.

More than enjoy it.  Revel in it.

I was inspired to write this post after reading this:

Depression Part Two

I could have written that post.  Word for word.  It's like that person was in my head, reading my thoughts while she wrote it.

I'm so thankful for people like that who are brave enough to put that stuff out there so I can feel brave too.

As much as I wish no one else had to feel the crippling pain I have felt, I'm grateful to them.   Because of their bravery I feel less alone.   I feel free from the shame of that secret I have been keeping all of these years.

This is one of the reasons the Internet is awesome. It has the power to make you feel less alone.

And sometimes that's all you need. To feel less alone.


If you are in a black hole of depression right now,  hang on.  It gets better.  It really does. You aren't alone.  

Mother's Day

Mother's Day makes me sad. I know people who are probably so sick of hearing that.  Especially since I say it every year. But it does.  

I know I have friends who feel the same way.  Friends with kids and without kids, for various reasons. Those that have lost their moms, like me, especially.  Most of the single friends I know don't like Mother's Day either.  

When your kids are little Mother's Day is really just a reason for your partner to buy you a gift and say thanks for being the mother of my children.  Here's a present that I bought for you "from the kids". 

That's not happening when you are both the mom and the dad rolled into one. (I am in awe of single moms.  You guys rock.  You really do). 

I know that Mother's Day is just a Hallmark holiday, the same as Valentine's Day. I'm not sure why I let it affect me the way it does. 

I think if my mom was still here I wouldn't dislike the day so much.  I just feel so....left out.  

I learned many years ago not to go to church on Mother's Day.   I learned that one the hard way. There's a good article going around in fb about that very topic.   The last time I went to church on Mother's Day(I think five years ago) I cried through the whole service.  As people came into the church they gave all of the mothers a pink rose. I didn't take one.  Then in the middle of the service they had all the mothers stand and they prayed over them. I was one of very few women(aside from children and teenagers) who didn't stand.  Then they played a slide show of children telling their Mothers what they loved the most about them.   I sobbed through the rest of the service and felt like an idiot.  It pretty much sucked and I haven't gone back to a Mother's Day service since.

There have been many mother's days in the past that I stayed in bed all day.  

Others we have gone to the movies so I could sit in a dark room and didn't have to see everyone else out with their mothers.

This year I was dreading Mother's Day yet again.  

Until I got an e-mail from our dragon boat team asking if we wanted to participate in a special training practice both Saturday and Sunday this weekend.  Ummmmmm.....heck yeah I do!!

So for the first time in a very long time I am looking forward to Mother's Day. I wil spend my day out on the water in the sunshine and salty air with a group of people that I love, and getting a great workout to boot. I couldn't ask for anything more than that!

I might still feel a twinge of sadness on Mother's Day.  But that's ok.

For those of you who struggle with Mother's Day along with me, know that you aren't alone. I wish we could all get together for a cup of coffee(or maybe a nice stiff drink) but since we can't I'll just send a virtual hug out into the universe and hope that you'll  feel it.

If you are celebrating, I am happy for you and I hope you have a great day.

And for the first time in a long time I really mean it.  ;)

Make it work

One of my favorite Tim Gunn sayings. He has a few that I love.

I'm pretty good at making things work. Not actual things, but situations. Undesirable situations.

Like losing my apartment and finding a new place to live(thank god for friends). Then making the hour long drive to work even though it was difficult and I knew I couldn't do it for long.

Moving into a new place which is very small(a master bedroom) and making it work without having a kitchen. A lot of people ask me how I do that.

Below is my kitchen set up. It's not the same as having an actual kitchen but it works. I also have a small fridge and a microwave that I keep in the closet, plus a tabletop oven on a bookshelf that bakes anything from frozen pizzas to cupcakes. See that burner next to the electric skillet? That belonged to my grandparents. That thing is OLD. Like 50 years. It still works fine!

I use the electric skillet the most, with the microwave and the Kuerig a close second. Gotta have my coffee. I try not to use paper plates that much. I have a small tub that I put hot soapy water in. I rinse the dishes in the shower after and I have a drying rack in the hallway between my room and the bathroom. That's actually the thing I find most inconvenient about the set up, the lack of a sink. Well that and no counter space.

Like I said, not ideal but I'm making it work. I find that I can be pretty resourceful when I need to be. I try to stay positive about things by telling myself it's not forever(it's not) and that it's a good life experience. I have a lot of those lately. LOL.

Still, I can't wait to move another place with a kitchen again. These life experiences are really making me not take things for granted.

On a totally unrelated note, I got new running shoes. I desperately needed them. Unfortunately they did not make me run any faster. I was really hoping they would. Still struggling with the running. :/

There they are next to my old running shoes. I told you I needed new ones! Now I need to break them in because right now the toes on my left foot fell asleep while I was running and it was painful. It worries me because my Nikes were comfortable from the moment I put them on but I can't afford another pair of those right now. These are Avias and they got ok reviews but they were on sale and I simply had to have another pair.

Currently

My friend Joannah did this on her blog and since I'm not sure what to write about I thought I'd try it

Currently I am:

Listening to: The Lumineers current album. It's really good. I have also been listening to a lot of Ben Lee. Love him. Also my sister got me listening to Train. Loving them too!

Loving: my new running shoes. To go along with that I'm also loving the running(walking) trails where I live. They are beautiful and there are so many nearby that I could exercise on a different path every day if I wanted to. I'm a creature of habit though and usually keep to the same variation of one of them. It's a combination of asphalt and dirt. I prefer the dirt trails except my new running shoes get dirty. I'm such a girl. It's also shaded which is important for me as I become over heated easily.

Thinking: about my future. I love my job but there are times when I wonder if there is something bigger out there for me. Also doing some thinking on the future of where I want to live and how that will affect the relationship with my husband. He can stay where I am now because the guy I'm renting from doesn't really care one way or the other but in looking for a place to share with someone else(I can't afford an apartment on my own) I have not found any roommate situations or townhouse/condo shares that want to rent to couples. I don't want to live where I am long term. Not having a kitchen is just too hard. I am not cooking much and have been eating crap. Thinking about this keeps me up many nights.

Wanting: dragon boat season to start(very soon!). Also anxiously awaiting something I have been waiting on for about a month now. I'll reveal soon!

Needing: warning, this is tmi. I really need a new supportive bra for running. The one i have isn't cutting it. The one I need is around fifty dollars though and every payday I say I'm going to get one but something else always comes up. I could also really use some cooler clothes for summer. I currently own about three shirts and four pairs of Capri pants. I'm set on workout clothes because last spring my friend Brenda sent me like fifteen pairs of workout pants and shirts. I'm getting so much use out of them. Thank you Brenda! They are a few of the items of clothing that survived the two moves. As for the summer clothes, see above about the budget. There is simply never enough money at the end of the month.

Reading: I was in a slump for a long while and wasn't reading anything. I blame fb and that stupid candy crush game. I really was wasting a lot of time on those things. Since I haven't been spending time there I have read two books! The first is by Jodi Picoult. I used to be a big fan of hers and read almost all of her books but after awhile they started feeling formulaic and too similar in plot. I downloaded The Story Teller and I could not put it down. It is very reminiscent of her earlier books. And it is about the holocaust which is heartbreaking. I am going to look up some other non fiction books about that because I realized I know very little about it and I should. Everyone should.

I just started reading The Burgess Boys by Elizabeth Strout. It has hooked me in and I am really enjoying it so far.

I have already chosen my next book. Is going to be She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. I forgot how much I enjoyed reading!

Unplugged

I deactivated my Facebook account. Facebook takes up a lot of my time. More than I care to admit.

It's just too hard right now. People have referrals. They are celebrating and making travel plans and we........aren't.

I get up and go to work every day. I come "home"(this place will never be my home) and exercise(most days), I go grocery shopping, make dinner. Take a shower, watch a TV show or two, check fb, go to bed and start all over. We like to joke at work that every day is like groundhog's day(love that movie).

Except that at this point in my life I had hoped for so much more. I had hoped to be living in an apartment with my husband. I had hoped to be driving a nice(er) car than the crappy one I have that is falling apart.

But mostly I had hoped to be staring at the picture of a baby who lives in a country far from here. Our baby. Celebrating. Showing off her(or his) picture to family and friends. Making travel plans.

It's hard.

It's harder than I thought it would be.

A lot of times fb leaves me feeling upset.

So and so is going on vacation(again).

Someone got a new car.

A new job.

A baby.

Most people only put the good stuff on fb. They don't write about how crappy their day is, or what a hard time they are having lately, because no one wants to hear that stuff. But sometimes I do. It's ok to not have a perfect life. It's ok that some days suck. Sometimes things suck for weeks at a time and it's nice to know you aren't alone.


I always have a hard time around this time of year. Mother's Day is typically a hard day for me. This year may be even more so if I get stuck in what might have been.

I miss blogging. I miss people writing stories about their lives, beyond a one word sentence.

Last night joe asked me if this(fb) isn't bringing anything good into my life, or is making me upset in any way then why in the world would I want to spend time there?

He is completely right.

And since I'm not the kind of person who can have fb available to me without going there(why is that?), I deleted it. For now. It's not for forever and I certainly will be back but it's the right thing for me right now.

Most people probably won't even notice, which is fine. I probably wouldn't notice if a lot of my "friends" unfriended me or deactivated their accounts. It's the nature of fb I think.

So I'm feeling sad. And maybe a little bit sorry for myself.

I just need some time to snap out of it.

I have some amazing things coming up. Dragon boat season is almost upon us. A friend is offering me a fabulous opportunity to put me back in touch with a part of my life that I have missed terribly. My sister is making plans for us to spend some time together this summer that I am beyond excited about.

I have good things in my life.

Sometimes I think you just need to step back and enjoy them.

And so I will.